Organ trafficking on the rise… I’m tired of complaining about Tinubu-induced hardship, when there are plenty of business ideas. So, I’m off to the Middle East, since EFCC won't allow me to do “yahoo, yahoo@ - in peace. I heard it’s booming down there! Nobody around me knows that I’ve traveled. The pilot just announced that we’ll soon land. In fact, we just flew past one bus stop, where I saw “Aka Road, Uyo” on the signpost. The air hostess explained that it was very close to the Middle East. Where, exactly, she didn't say. Okay, let me confess. I actually had no transport fare, so took N1,300 from Madam’s bag. I will refund when I sell my kidney for $262,000. The heart is not that expensive, though. Only $119,000. Liver, I heard, is $157, 000, only. I guess that’s why Nigerians value liver above heart. If you are easily emotional, you “no get heart (mind).” But if you take hard decisions like Tinubu, “you get liver”! Selling your organs isn't the solution to economic ...
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| Organ trafficking on the rise… |
I’m tired of complaining about Tinubu-induced hardship, when there are plenty of business ideas. So, I’m off to the Middle East, since EFCC won't allow me to do “yahoo, yahoo@ - in peace. I heard it’s booming down there!
Nobody around me knows that I’ve traveled. The pilot just announced that we’ll soon land. In fact, we just flew past one bus stop, where I saw “Aka Road, Uyo” on the signpost. The air hostess explained that it was very close to the Middle East. Where, exactly, she didn't say.
Okay, let me confess. I actually had no transport fare, so took N1,300 from Madam’s bag. I will refund when I sell my kidney for $262,000. The heart is not that expensive, though. Only $119,000. Liver, I heard, is $157, 000, only. I guess that’s why Nigerians value liver above heart. If you are easily emotional, you “no get heart (mind).” But if you take hard decisions like Tinubu, “you get liver”!
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| Selling your organs isn't the solution to economic hardship. |
Anyway, after selling the three vital organs, I will return Madam’s “nansense” N1,300, joor. But if the remaining change won't do, I’ll offer myself for sale. I need more money to buy fuel, pay increased electricity tariff, buy three tiny tomatoes for N1,000, etc.
The sale of organs is the next oil boom for hard-pushed Nigerians. Few stop to question the implications. In the quest for easy solutions, they get lured out of the country, ostensibly for greener pastures. Many, sadly, end up as minced meat!
Yet, the traffic increases daily. Those who can't join, resort to selling their properties - including wives. Check out 36-year-old Kingsley Essien, who allegedly sold his wife and his two-year-old son for ₦2 million, recently. The Mayor of Casterbridge would have been proud of him!
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| Yusuf Umar, allegedly sold his daughter for N1.5m |
Recently, in Bauchi State, a 49-year-old man, Yusuf Umar, attempted to sell his five-year-old daughter for N1.5 million. He blamed it on Tinubunomics! But before him, there were others. According to the police in Lagos, Kingley Oriakwu, allegedly sold two of his children and his landlord’s son for a paltry N310,000. A 26-year-old bricklayer, Kenneth Ofoke, was also arrested for allegedly selling his six-week-old set of twins in Edo State. He offloaded them for N500,000. Two other babies were also auctioned for N30,000 and N50,000, respectively.
Last week, I planned to sell all my girlfriends. They eat too much! But the Supermarket insisted on getting a receipt from me. So, I abandoned the idea. The only option I have now is to vend myself, after selling my internal organs in the Middle East.
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Why limit the entrepreneurial spirit to only wives and children? What’s wrong with broadening the market? I need to copy some smart people, joor. For instance, a friend of mine is so creative about business ideas that he plans to open a private police station!
Yeah! I'm up for sale, mbok! Here’s a pre-auction promo:
“a fairly-used man, with receding white hair, is officially up for sale!”Yes, for the right price—or let’s be real - I’m ready to sell myself to anyone who can feed me well! I actually don't eat much - just five cups of garri, five times daily!
Please, note that I come with a number of features and benefits.
Unlike some tokunbo items, I am well-maintained. I jog every morning from my kitchen to my toilet. Sure, I may have a few wrinkles, a big head, and short legs, but I can brush my teeth by myself.
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| The Mayor of Casterbridge, once sold his wife and child |
Since cable TV subscription has become too expensive, you need me for dry jokes, useless stories, or a meaningless debate on Finidi-Osimen blame game. I come equipped to lose any argument to boost your ego. I’m very loyal and can be an excellent alarm clock, waking you every five minutes with my snore.
Well, in support of the falling naira and our grandfather-national anthem, I’ll prefer payments in kind — jollof rice, suya, or even pounded yam with edikang-ikong soup.
What will I bring to the table? I hope you have a dinning table in mind. Because I will bring along a healthy appetite and take-away packs.
Yes, I can cook. Even in my house, I cook water sometimes for the kids’ bath, without burning the building. I can even cook instant noodles in cold water. But, fact is, I’m a food admirer, not a chef o!
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| Kingsley Essien allegedly sold wife and child |
Let me add ‘jara’. I can sweep, very well. In fact, in my younger days, I used to sweep girls off their feet. And, yes, I can do laundry. That is, I can wash your sins away, especially if they show on your face and clothes.
Why sell wife and child when you can sell your skills? In this Tinubu’s economy, we must get creative. You can make more money selling yourself. After all, traumatic times call for hilarious measures.
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